By Jim Boyce | The CHEERS wine shop chain will soon tweak its famous â€œCHEERS Makes You Smileâ€ motto in order to stop a growing consumer crisis and promote more inclusivity.
â€œNot everyone is smiling,â€ explained a frustrated Claudia Massager, CEO of CHEERS. â€œI was in our Gulou shop last week and saw one customer frown and another with a blank look, and I thought to myself, what is wrong with these people!? Smile, damn you, smile! So I created a 218-point plan to force every single customer to act naturally and properly.â€
The campaign will start next week when each shop receives a giant red poster with the new motto, â€œCHEERS Makes You Smileâ€”Or Else.â€
Or else what?
â€œWe Swiss have many ways to force people to follow our completely reasonable orders,â€ says Massager. â€œHave you ever seen a Swiss army knife? Also, we have fondue. Perhaps I will pour bubbling hot cheese on the bottoms of these frowners. How will they like that!? Answer me now!â€
Massager says repeat non-smilers will be forced to return their CHEERS VIP cards and drink a shot of that horrible Swiss whisky the company somehow got through China Customs quality control a few years ago.
â€œThen we will kick them out and into Beijingâ€™s streetsâ€”where there are no smiles!â€ she says.
Massager says smiling releases endorphins and that the best wine pairing for those particular neurotransmitters is a chilled Marquis Bernard off-dry bubbly. Find your local CHEERS shop here and give it a try.
And if it isn’t already abundantly obvious, this is just a April Fool’s joke. Check out more of Grape Wall’s past jokes:
- Done Deal? China’s Great Wall winery to buy Penfolds (2008)
- Forget wine with Sprite: Brits taken to task for adding milk to tea (2009)
- One-two punch? Chateau Lafite knockoff â€˜LaFightâ€™ blends French, Chinese themes (2011)
- Duck, duckâ€¦ goose egg? Chinaâ€™s food and wine pairing study stirs pot (2012)
- Vintage discovery: Worldâ€™s oldest wine tasting note unearthed in China (2013)
- Hard evidence: The truth of why Chinese mix wine and soft drinks (2014)
- Au reverse: Bordeaux investor buys Chinese winery, sparks new trend (2016)
Good content takes resources. If you find Grape Wall useful, help cover its costs via PayPal, WeChat or credit / debit card. Also check out Grape Wall on Facebook. Twitter and Instagram. And sibling sites World Marselan Day, World Baijiu Day and Beijing Boyce.