By Jim Boyce | The CHEERS wine shop chain will soon tweak its famous “CHEERS Makes You Smile” motto in order to stop a growing consumer crisis and promote more inclusivity.
“Not everyone is smiling,” explained a frustrated Claudia Massager, CEO of CHEERS. “I was in our Gulou shop last week and saw one customer frown and another with a blank look, and I thought to myself, what is wrong with these people!? Smile, damn you, smile! So I created a 218-point plan to force every single customer to act naturally and properly.”
The campaign will start next week when each shop receives a giant red poster with the new motto, “CHEERS Makes You Smile—Or Else.”
Or else what?
“We Swiss have many ways to force people to follow our completely reasonable orders,” says Massager. “Have you ever seen a Swiss army knife? Also, we have fondue. Perhaps I will pour bubbling hot cheese on the bottoms of these frowners. How will they like that!? Answer me now!”
Massager says repeat non-smilers will be forced to return their CHEERS VIP cards and drink a shot of that horrible Swiss whisky the company somehow got through China Customs quality control a few years ago.
“Then we will kick them out and into Beijing’s streets—where there are no smiles!” she says.
Massager says smiling releases endorphins and that the best wine pairing for those particular neurotransmitters is a chilled Marquis Bernard off-dry bubbly. Find your local CHEERS shop here and give it a try.
And if it isn’t already abundantly obvious, this is just a April Fool’s joke. Check out more of Grape Wall’s past jokes:
- Done Deal? China’s Great Wall winery to buy Penfolds (2008)
- Forget wine with Sprite: Brits taken to task for adding milk to tea (2009)
- One-two punch? Chateau Lafite knockoff ‘LaFight’ blends French, Chinese themes (2011)
- Duck, duck… goose egg? China’s food and wine pairing study stirs pot (2012)
- Vintage discovery: World’s oldest wine tasting note unearthed in China (2013)
- Hard evidence: The truth of why Chinese mix wine and soft drinks (2014)
- Au reverse: Bordeaux investor buys Chinese winery, sparks new trend (2016)